here is the immediate aftermath of me being happy yesterday
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is it sad that i expect the worst when im at my best? i knew i was enjoying yesterday, but all i could do is expect the fall out of it all.
i tried distracting myself with games, friends, videos and then to no avail.
the back and forth strikes again
i find comfort in being alone but i dont want to remain this way. im not a lazy person, i have ambitions, i have stuff i want to do. why do
i feel so lazy though, even when i do them?
the back and forth strikes again
i struggle to speak my mind
the back strikes alone
its raining pretty hard here today, feel like a blanket. im eating a meatball sandwich, and its nice and warm too.
theres things i want to say but i can not say them.
in a safe space, i can not say them.
to people, i can not say them.
in a sapce space, i cant not say them
to friends, i cant not say them.
this rambling has purpose in my mind, you see. indirectly refrencing things that i keep in my head, without saying too much.
being an open book hurts, it always hurts me in the end, and to my dismay, it is self inflicted.
something is so damn wrong with my brain, not creative enough to show it though, so ill rot.
#life#lost lost lost#i wish i could, but i cant say it
@kaiasei
brick by brick
hihi!
it is now the end of february, wow it went fast! it has been a rough month, though. at the beginning of the year i really
thought i wouldnt make it to may, but here i am! struggling and pushing through has made me stronger, i feel it >:o
read more
recently i have had the motivation and energy to make some music, but getting beaten down in the process by my own mind. i still find it hard to accept
things after ive made them, but at least i have something to show my progress, i just dread the amount of practice that i have to put in, but it will not
do itself so i gotta.
i baked a lot this month too! specifically cinnamon rolls geez, i think i made like 48 total this month (batches of 12 haha). last thing was biscuits, this morning!
i made the dough, and let it chill in the fridge overnight, and then gave my mom instructions on how to bake them, because i had work >_>
classes have been going well, too. not much to say about them, but thankfully its a relatively light workload compared to other semesters, so much so that i am
able to finish things usually the day of, unless its a project. i do NOT think id be able to handle a part time job, classes, AND my mental state if i had a big
workload, i would break, burn out, and rot in a pile of failure (literally 2022 all over again I DREAD IT), so im glad thats not the case!.
i feel emotionally okay right now, though that topic is so very volatile.
been buying lots of music too! my collection grows ever so slowly... and it makes me happy.
i dont have much more of an update at this very moment, family is visiting, im doing some much needed computer maintenence, and enjoying my day.
i bailed on dnd, bailed on playing games with a friend, bailed on going to a show today
brace yourself for the worst post i've written ever
unwillingly read more
last night, and more importantly today, has been fucking terrible. and the only thing i could mutter to my parents
when they asked earlier was "i'm tired".
i keep blaming it on my emotions and i know i should get better but it's so fucking scary.
i want to do it on my own but i dont know how, just fucking insecure. there is a part of me that GENUINELY
doesn't want people to help me, turning down help and refusing to talk about my emotions. then the part of me
that wants people to, but twists it into them having another motive, or just trying to shut me up. why does my
mind feel like it constantly jumps to extremes?
this entire thing gets worse when you realize i have pretty bad attachment issues. trans girl can't take a compliment
(big fucking surprise) except the reason is because i know i'll take it too far and immediately get attached. that's what
i've trained my mind into thinking. i know whats good for myself, and i shouldn't subject others to that, also i'm terrified
of a negative response. therefore, i know it's not worth it to even accept a compliment in the first place. don't compliment
me in the first place. i fucking mean it, unless you understand this is the mess your diving head-first into.
that's what i've trained my mind into thinking?
i feel pathetic yet ENJOY spewing all of this out- but i couldn't bare to do it to anyone's face.
instead i'll just push everyone away, avoiding interaction and/or confrontation in it's entirety.
i've done it in the past, ik isolating isn't good but it IS quiet. quiet is comforting, quiet doesn't
have a mind of it's own. without people, my mind won't race.
i write this all in bed, balled up, with tears coming out of my eyes. how performative of me!
emotions too "all over the place" to word anything poetically
feelings everywhere, all at once
a mirror taunting my eyes, my body, my face
a microphone taunting my voice, my words, my capability
there so much going on
i wish to tell
i want to yell
i want to SCREAM
but i don't WANT TO BE FUCKING LOOKED AT.
as i type this, i refuse to go back and edit the content, except for typos. (ironic)
this is just a stream of my thoughts put into words that i want to imagine no one is reading.
except i want my parents to read it, but they won't understand it (if i can't explain it, do i even understand it?)
except i want my friends to read it, but won't want them to speak about it (if you all don't bring anything up, you're basically ignoring me. if you try to help me, i'll just think youre insincere)
except i want strangers to read it, but they won't respond to it (look at how interestingly fucked up my life is, don't you want to see how this person if doing every now and then?)
like i'm not even going to deny it at this point, this is really bad self loathing, but i
genuinely don't know how to process my fucking feelings
i don't know how to cope with this shit anymore
i don't think these are REGULAR FUCKING THINGS THAT PEOPLE DEAL WITH EVERY DAY
like why do i have to resort to other people and YELLING ON MY FUCKING WEBSITE TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL A SLIVER OF A BIT BETTER. all to lose
it because i sound corny as hell.
i keep wanting to end this post so i can grab a drink of water and breathe cause i got the opportunity to this
all of my non-existent chest (clever), but more keeps coming to my mind.
my parents just left like 20 mins to somewhere i don't know, my brother just started his car and he's heading out to do fuck all
and i lay here,
lost my train of thought.
i'm hungry. i havent eaten a real meal in over 24 hours, literally just a bag of candy.
i would love to pin all of this on that, but the excuse would be doing a lot of heavy lifting.
i'm actively screaming into my pillow because paradoxically, i feel like i can't feel
ignore any typos i didn't catch
whatever, im tired
#im fucking losing my mind, i want to puke
@kaiasei
duckie
soooo its been a bit
valentines day came and went and that ice cream tasted amazing
ive been a little more motivated to make music as well, specifically for d&d. also been trying to convince myself to continue dm'ing, it still
feels very, very difficult to do that, i feel very discouraged and anxious doing so, but anywhooo
not much to write about because i havent done much in the past week/half-week so, pretty empty post.
i want to be who i want to be, and not feel bad about it
walked home from work today. after a little while and completely out of nowhere, i broke donw crying about like, nothing(?). i just felt sad.
idunno, i have tried speaking my mind, steady schedules, and a bunch of other things but it doesnt seem like it works, i dont know what i am doing wrong
something in me is so fundamentally broken and i just can't figure it out what i'm doing doing wrong.
contemplated even getting on my computer to post this, but, its better in writing than it is in my mind, i supposeee
...
after writing this all, a duck came up and just stared at me. this was drafted on my phone partially
update:
she sat next to me while i was resting under a tree. thank you for cheering me up, duck. even if it was just a little :p
look at the duck
this week im going to practice a lot more music because im in such a great mood! also im excited for d&d tomorrow too! been planning a dungeon
for my players... muah ha ha ha
alsoooo this weekend i have to myself, and I think its new recipe time! so im going to work on my boston creme pie recipe for mah dad :D
only issue is i CANT FUCKING DO CAKES! so i might ruin it... but there is no success without failure, i must be patient!
also.. my yearly video is complete! unless i decide to change the song AGAIN! but im trying to not!
i haven't much to say today, but today has been good !
walked along the other side of the creek near my house today. when i was growing up i always thought that side of the creek was dangerous for
some reason, always wondered what it would be like to stand on the other side. now i have! and it felt... the same, but i was happy to go on that
little adventure.
ive got jazz rehearsal soon, but for now i am at home, making some nice ambient tracks because i am in a veryyyy chill mood.
have a great day ♡
read more (added at 6:10pm)
heading out early before my jazz ensemble. been sitting with my own thoughts for a bit!
thinking about ways to better deal with my screwy head. i think ill just be much more upfront with people with literally everything that is
going on, and if they stick around, they stick around. in they get annoyed, so what, they wont wanna talk to me anyway so i wont have to deal
with it!
real friends will stick around.. i think!
i also need to focus on not overthinking every interaction with another human being, whether its overthinking negatively or positively (delusions?), just gotta be meeee. jazz time!
you got this kaia! okie time to go rollerblade! o.o
the sunlight hit my face today, and it felt great! who know regular-ish meals could be so stabilizing!
no but actually, its been on the up since last night! i felt myself feel relieved for the first time in a very long time! allowing me to
think freely and just be me.
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spent most of the rest of last night hanging with some friends online, playing games, reading YURI!!!!, and also just being happy. havent felt
this whimsical in quite a bit. bottling up stuff for so long isnt healthy, friends helped me get out of that :>
i also started looking into getting a therapist because i need one @~@, but that will take a minute/some time. gotta find the right person and just actually
be willing to open up entirely (mostly) to someone
i also just spent 300 dollars on full body vr trackers even though i dont use vr like that! :3 theyll be fun to mess with im sure, considering it my bday
gift to myself. ive wanted them for a while, so its justified! i have adult money so idc :>
"Oh, its calling
I just can't stop, Im sorry
I can feel a new day dawning
I burn up, burn out
I shouldn't do this to myself
But sincerely
Cant you feel what I'm feeling?
I can see my life so clearly
I burn up, burn out
I shouldn't do this to myself"
Lyrics from Porter Robinson's song "Musician"
gosh im such a nerd lul
have a great day! i sure will. i think im going to get some frozen yogurt, then relax at the park for a bit. might hop on call with some friends while im out there!
#life#i want to be alive#i surround myself with people that genuinely care about me#i can do better every day
@kaiasei
woof
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof.
arf arf woof br
i told my brother im trans, and he doesnt hate me. months of anxiety and stress has been lifted off my shoulders its unbelievable!
still a long way to go, but my mood has been improved immensely. will be telling my father next week on tuesday.
birthday weekend over! i have enjoyed it for the most part read more
i took off friday and saturday (today) to have free off work since my birthday was on a tuesday. so i had my funn
as of writing this, i just finished watching iron lung with my friend leilani, was pretty good (creepy) movie! (thank you for covering my ticket.. for now)
we also hung out and played some castle crashers, baked some cinnamon rolls, and watched half of monty python and the holy grail while sleep deprived. oh and also went stargazing, it was cold and fun!
i for some reason feel like most of the stuff we wanted to get done/had planned fell through, it was very enjoyable nonetheless!
in some other good news: soon slimeVR's butterfly trackers are coming out soon, ive waited so long! (for sale in two days!), and a youtuber
i like (hunter r.) is going to make youtube videos again!! videos about animal crossing technicalities. its weird, ik
lastly, even though i havent felt entirely like myself, and that dysphoric disconnect is still very much present, ive been really focusing
on whats good for me, and making small steps to improve, even if its just wearing fucking eyeliner to classes pshhhh
so i want to express a thank you to:
- Leilani, for forcing me to get out of my comfort zone (even if its just a bit), for being extremely considerate of my current situation, and being a good friend by reading all my problems here and somehow not getting sick of it (also, you give me serious gender envy (in a not spiteful way!))
- Kris, for listening to my bullshit when im at my wits end, and telling me that "it is okay to rely on your friends" (something i needed to have rammed into my ear)
- Brandon for showing me its okay to be vulnerable with creativity, and giving me insight on that front by being a good example. even if i feel uneasy about it all, i need to create. (i appreciate you sharing you writings with me, its a gesture that i wish i can replicate, preferrably when im not in a manic music making episode
without you three, i think i would be in a much worse state. so instead of apologizing for spewing shit, i want to thank you all for listening.
reflecting on my birthday has made me think about myself, and who i am, who i want to become.those who mean a lot to me are a big part in that, so again, thank you for telling me
something comforting when i needed it most.
i dont ever really say "i love you" because love is a strong word im sure you three have noticed that, and i always feel uncomfortable using it.
but i wanted to take a moment to say love you all a lot, you are important to me! even if you dont read this ever, i want to share it somewhere. (im also too much of a bitch to tell you all individually that i love you)
♡♡♡
read more!!!! (kaia's additional thoughts)
its just so much easier to just feel like a girl behind a screen.
a saddening sentence for me to type out, but it is the reality of my mind in regards to my own identity. so i give myself this month of feburary to tell my parents, or at least my father.
i need to stand up for myself!
i want to be happy with myself and my appearance. i want to be more confident. part of that means letting the people i love know whats going on,
i can't stay a closed book forever.
I stumbled across this poem back during my philosophy class when I was working on a project about love.
It's something i really like to read whenver i am feeling really down and just cant get out of my bed.
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.
It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.
I struggle with a lot in my head, that much isn't hard to tell. So for the sake of my sanity (and so this "blog/diary" isnt just self-loathing)
I'll be keepin' the mental stuff to myself for the forseeable future.
BUT, here's one last hurrah.
Every time I have tried to open up to people- every time I have talked about my feelings, it has been used against me in one way or another, so it
has definitely fucked up my head :p. Recently, I made some attempts to talk about mah whole mental state to two of my friends. In the beginning, it
felt like it was helping, but after a week or so, the second-guessing creeped it's way in. So no matter how much either of them tell me that it is okay,
I will simply never think that it is fair to subject the same few people to my problems over and over again. They aren't being paid to listen, and it
will only wear them down. The last thing I want to do is become dependent on people so, yea. This rant sounds SO melodramatic, which is again, not the intention,
just the topic itself is already used so frequently by clingy people who seek attention that I understand it can be viewed as such, but I don't wanna be seen as that
type of person.
To summarize every post about my mental state for the past week/two weeks in a few sentences:
I don't feel worth people's time, talking about my issues makes me seem full of it. I'd rather not be percieved by people at all, which solves a lot of problems. Whatever I got thats going on
needs to (probably) be dealt with by myself or a professional.
Spent an hour writing this garbage, so here's to better quality posts than this slop in the future. Will try. <3
the switch in my brain flipped again and my mental is on the floor again. which means time for another diary(???) entry! intrude more
im not gonna ramble about it, but FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK AAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT
that should say enough.
i also have work and class tomorrow, i literally just booted up my computer to make this post..
y'know, looking back on these posts is always so fun, because like what do you mean in high school i was excited to be an engineer?
glad we dropped that one
and after some careful consideration, the outings i had friday and saturday were the equivalent of being burned at the stake,
thrown in a boiling pit of tar, and any other terrible things you can think of.
seriously though, i cant really figure out why, but i just feel bad about them for some reason :p
like sick to my stomach bad? i really dunno. the post-hangout anxiety is very very real and very very stressful.
at least i have this yummy pb&j i made.
in spite of all this, i must lock in. its the birthday week, i am not allowed to be miserable. i am curious who will remember my birthday though :3
#life#personal#late night#zzz#cold#fuck my stupid chud life
@kaiasei
outings
I did a lot this week, and it was very exhausting as I anticipated, but we survived read more
Below will be photos attached, but I flew out to key west and got my key lime juice! (and made the key lime pie).
My dad, and everyone else who had some, said it was very good! So I need to make another for Jose, since he flew me. I just ran out of
sweetened condensed milk :p
I took some photos while on the plane too, and it was nice. My nausea actually didn't get to me that bad, it was not even there during the flight
while it was during the day, the night flight was testing my stomach a little, but I survived. I also got to control the plane a little bit!
Which was extremely fucking terrifying.
The day after all of that was when I made the pie, and then also hung out with Steven and Brandon. We went to the asian mart, and I got some yummy lychee
candies, and also ramune because who doesn't love marble soda. Then we went to the mall, took some photos, and got some stuff to eat. I had a reallllly good tonkotsu ramen
from a place nearby my house, I am dying for another excuse to go cause ohmygod it was amazing!
After that whole outing, I rotted on my computer for a bit before passing out. Now I sit here typing this up.
My birthday is in two days as well! So excited :3
Bye for now!
#life#busy busy#recovering of being outside two days in a row#chud
@kaiasei
nothing day
hellooo, just got out of the bath, and i haven't much to write about for this post, but gonna type away anyway. read more
i was in bed most of the morning, and only got out in the afternoon. did some cleaning around the house and my room, then went to skate to class.
oh yeah, on my way to class (it was cold as fuck by the way) this car pulled up with their windows down and this girl thought i was cute and asked for my
number. i was a little flustered, but i turned her down politely. this isnt the first time something like that has happened, but i always feel like it's a
joke. that, and im trans so, thats not reaaallllyy a conversation i would want to have with people if they think im cute, hence the whole "i dont date" thing, i hate being vulnerable its like
theworstfeelingever. anYWAY thats enough of that.
i do feel better from yesterday! but def. not 100%. tried playing games with some people yesterday but it kinda fell flat after an hour, wasn't really up for it.
and aside from this blog thing, i took some time to write down other stuff in an actual journal like usual, which does significantly help from time to time.
i feel like i could've done more today, it felt like i was very absent from the day as a whole, but at least now i can chill for the next 4-5 ish hours and watch
youtube or something. the week gets easier for here so im sure my mood will improve, im really working on myself the best i can. taking care of myself
and my environment, sticking to a schedule (mostly), but i do need to eat regularly a little more. aside from that, i feel like i can bring myself back up :)
hi, rambling about my thoughts, myself, and some other things (like usual)
i was also listening to this on loop the entire time while writing this, if you wish to immerse yourself in the nightmare that is my brain
read more
been on my computer, but just for schoolwork. ive been working on a project most of the day, only took a break recently to buy ingredients for
the pie. im gonna be flying with my friend jose (pilot) to key west just for the key limes, he said he would enjoy doing so with me.
in other news, i called a couple health people/places (they're called doctors, idiot), and to nobodys suprise, its a hassle to get hrt in florida. so that
has kinda put me down in the dumps a little, though i have been dealing with it relatively well i would say.
anxiety is getting to me again though, i have dnd thursday night, work in morning and the keys flight on friday, and hanging out with my friend steven + then baking on saturday...
it's just a lot that is back to back to back, and its stressing me out. i know im gonna want to bail on people but that wouldn't be right, so i will try to be more
extroverted this weekend.
[while writing this, i rested my head on my desk for 20 minutes, so if you want the full experience, do the same]
as depressing as a lot of my blog posts seem, it's an important place for me to talk my head off about everything thats on my mind. i
understand that it may seem like, very self-loathy (alluded to it in a prior post), but that never really is the intention. im not gonna just
post "blah blah blah i hate my life", because i don't want to be depicted in that way. i just need a place to voice my concerns where i know
not many people read through.
on that note, heres some stuff i just need to get off my chest and hopefully realize how stupid it sounds. i feel like i apologize for too many
things, assuming everything is my fault is a pretty bad habit of mine. my father has mentioned it before and i try to avoid excessive
apologizing, but it always manages to creep its way back into me. this, combined with not wanting to bother people is just a recipe for
getting into my own head. the fucked up part of it all is that sometimes it doesn't happen in the moment, and then hits me
like i am the biggest piece of shit on the planet. like part of me feels bad for asking my friend if we could fly to key west, despite his
excitement and encrouagment, i still feel like i shouldn't "take advantage" of it.
i run these laps in my head, over and over again, it happens with basic shit like talking to my friends, or explaining my plans for the day,
or even playing/asking to play videos games. UGH!
i want to be noticed, but thats selfish of me- and even though i pride myself in being selfish sometimes, wouldn't that make me hypocritical?
at what point would i be considered an attention whore, an annoyance for reaching out to the same couple of friends all the time? i dont want to be
gossiped about, yet i gossip about other people sometimes. im a deeply flawed person, and im only human. but im only human, so how much can i do? or
in other peoples eyes, how much of a performance can i put up? how much can i "get away with" before i become the things i hate?
maybe i dont need a blog, i prob need a therapist. but then theres the issue of my parents disregarding mental health in its entirety. but
thats another rant for another time when they inevitably push my buttons.
talking about this stuff is just getting be irritated, so im getting off this computer and im going to take a nap.
and ironically, im instinctively apologizing for anyone that reads all this, so.. sorry. though i dont want to end on such a bitter/sour note. so i will leave it
with this;
i love the people around me, and i appreciate my friends. at the end of the day, i want nothing but the best for these people, despite how i may act, sound, or look.
it is wondrous to even exist, and i would never take it for granted.
“Stop overthinking things. There’s no greater meaning to anything. There is no such thing as destiny, or a divine will, or a grand purpose to everything. But that’s OK. There doesn’t need to be one. The universe is what it is. But that doesn’t change who we are.” #personal#life#tired#rage#screaming#heres my heart, cut it in a million pieces
@kaiasei
proxima, how so?
hi
i got outta work early today and had nothing to do so, website update! i also lost my water bottle today read more
i started working on some fun stuff for the site, though it needs some testing. and by fun it, i mean like a fun challenge for me, and
then like 4 seconds of content for the actual site as per usual.
its been so difficult to make music recently. and quite frustrating. ive resorted to mainly just practicing what i have for my jazz ensmble class, and
improv on the piano for a little bit :p
i also am cleaning my chair, which brings me some peace of mind. recently cleaning has helped me calm down a bunch, just turning my brain off and get rid
of dirt :>
also alsoo, this damn computer is getting to me again! something about it. when i disconnected from it for like 4-5 ish days before and after christmas, i felt good
and bad and everything in between, but i think it was a positive experience. and since then it's changed the way i look at my computer. unfortunately i cant just
get rid of it, school, work, social, everything revolves around it. but i would if i could. just a thought cause maybe i do need a break? idunno
sorry for the lack of punctuation and grammar (like that is ever even a concern but i try most of the time)
gotta leave for class soon, and then maybe ill figure out what to do for the rest of the day. oh, also key lime pie is so super
easy to make: custard-y filling with lime juice. oh, and pie crust
ill wait for you,
proxima, how so-
near enough to promise,
far enough to keep me here.
I haven't much to write about other than a few things, so no wall of text this time. phew
I just finished cleaning a bunch and now I'm gonna eat a pizza (whole). Today is the day I study key lime pies, for I must construct a recipe and
a pie for my friend Steven.
Alsoooooo I have been playing ULTRAKILL a bunch, god DAMN the game is so much fun, help I'm literally a stereotype (but idc)
Have a great day! :3
see kaia?! not every post needs to be all doom and gloom, #bringbackthewhimsy
#life#games#you insignificant fuck#baking#i love making pies
@kaiasei
woof
Today has been mentally tiring, so time for the self-loathing (jk)
Though, the [dysphoria] has been eating away at my mind for like a week now (lowkey been getting worse since like september/november T_T),
not particularly nice tho!
read more (im warning you, its a lot)
I try my best to keep a positive attitude but sometimes I tire out ;p
I know what's good for me and what I should do but I am terrified of how people percieve me. I don't want to be a terrible person, I don't
want to slowly drift away from people, yet I also don't want to stay like this! It's like the tension of string being pulled two ways, but the
string is my mind and IDK!
I said it before and I'll say it again, my mind doesn't feel like it's in my body, and I feel so alienated(?) from my own self in literally
every aspect. Like impostor syndrom to the fucking MAX. I know it is only temporary but I can't emphasize it enough, it fucking SUCKS.
It doesn't help that I really don't have many people to talk to this about. 'Cause yeah, the cis guys that like sports or guns are gonna completely
understand what I mean when I say "I don't see myself in the mirror". Not generalizing, most of my friends just don't understand. This leaves me with
like 3 terrible options:
1. My parents (FUCK NO.)
2. The same person over and over again (ALSO FUCK NO! thats not fair to people, they have their own lives.)
3. A therapist (this one is valid, but my parents like to pry in on things I do outside of school and work, and please see option one for my reaction to that.)
All in all, it's so over. I'm fucked, everything sucks, and I deserve to rot in a pit... (kidding :3)
I have a lot of emotions towards this topic and can easily ramble way too much here so I am going to stop myself. Whatever is going on is a weird mix of wanting to
rough this out myself, but knowing that I need to speak about it. Making a decision and standing by it, regardless of whatever people say. Not wanting to ask for
support, but desperately calling for it. idk.
i just want all my worries to go away and i want to be who i wanna be without having to worry about anyone or anything, im banging my head against a wall
for this hope to become a reality even though i know it just wont
Anyway, check out these two albums I found today. They've helped me thru the day.
#life#music#personal#tired#estrogen :3#message me "blueberry" if you actually read these lol
@kaiasei
Two weeks worth of updates
Wednesdays are awesome, I got to sleep in, AND I get to relax most of the day. OK time to ramble! give me more!
I have bought so much music on bandcamp as of recent, it makes me so happy, I recommened 10/10, 100%, 5 stars,
[any other over the top accolades go here]. One album I was really excited to buy was Rai'Hea by
AIKA. One of the songs off that album I really really really like, the music AND the lyrics. A lot. Helped me thru 2023 :3
I have been good as well, since I DM bi-weekly for d&d, I have more time to prep, both mentally and for the game. Which is a relief,
because I was well on the track to burning out so hard that I would've tossed the whole game (which i didnt want to do, (suprising, i know
(fuck it i'll add one more parentheses in here)))
The cooler weather has also been extremely forgiving on all my physical activity. I hate getting home and being drenched in sweat because its
a nice stagnant 95 fucking degrees (F).
There's a lot more to ramble about on here that I just haven't put down because I took like a week break-ish(?) so I'm going to rapid fire
them so I can read them at some point in the future and smile about my past, also there are images attached below if they are relevant :3
I had Five Guys for the first time in a while and it was very good, but still expensive.
I ate shit while rollerblading so hard that i was half meat crayon and half covered in mud!
My porter robinson albums got here a week earlier than they were supposed to!
I made blueberry handpies from scratch!
I also made a cheesecake from scratch!!!!
A got a new journal to record my baking recipes in :3
I know what you are..
I love life so so much! Either that, or my friends are right and i'm just manic-
Anywhere here's that one song !
Oops! didnt update my site that much because I got pre-occupied with other happenings.
I will write more here in the coming days(?). It's almost my birthday though! In like two weeks.
I also gotta revamp my site so it isn't... christmas themed.
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To my stalker,
you make me paranoid ! (jk)
#uncategorized slop
@kaiasei
Daily posts!?
Get your ass ready for [not so] daily posts! No more social media means that this is my only outlet to ramble on now!
My classes finally started! (totally didnt sign up for them last minute...) thank you james and brandon for the "encouragment"read more
Y'know, now that I have a very busy schedule, I hopefully can keep my mind off of grabage. But how am I supposed to work on my site! Bah, I'll figure it out.
I have a jazz ensemble class tomorrow at 7PM OUCH!, but hopefully it will get me not so
stressed about people because ohmygod. Today in class I never got stressed over the ice-breakers classes do, but the moment I heard that word, this time, it sent me into shock. IT
DIDN'T HELP THAT I WAS FIRST ON THE ATTENDANCE LIST!!!! AAAAGHHHH!
I went on a two hour walk today as it was approaching dusk, it was very nice. Helped clear my head and prepare for the coming week.
I got myself a chicken and rice bowl during the walk, it was very yummy. Walked thru a park, layed on the grass, ran thru a field, and listened to
my music. A really nice de-stresser.
I want to get a new notebook so I can neatly put all my recipes in one area, because I am started to amass a lot of baking recipes that I have created
and adapted, and I want to put them all in one area, and LEGIBLE this time, in case I wish to share it with someone :)
I am excited for this semester, because I will be taking more music classes. Hopefully I can get better at what I wanna do, and make something meaningful
to me and maybe my friends. I know my packed schedule will give me rough times, and balancing school and work for the first time ever will be exceedingly
difficult for me, especially in my current mental state. But I really want to tell myself I can handle it, and if not, it'll at least provide some good
lyrics for stuff in the future. Lol.
Anyway, I am done rambling here for tonight, I want to play some tetris. I have a very busy day tomorrow and I don't really want to think about it. Had a
stressful one yesterday, and they day before that... and the day before that... and the day before that..
Just lyrics and a link to a song I like a lot.
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"There you were
Youre gonna make a scene
comparing yourself to the person you were at age 17
I put my suit on
and I tied my tie
I look like someone I don't recognize
And it would be so much easier to love you
If you could only see yourself like me
And wouldnt it hurt much less when you were lonely
If you could only see yourself like me?
I found a letter:
"Dear future me,
I promise Ill take care of the person well both be eventually
Ill pick up painting,
Oh! Oh – and Ill join the gym
I can't shake the feeling that Ill be happy by the time I'm him
And it would be so much easier to love you
If you could only see yourself like me
And wouldnt it hurt much less when you were lonely
If you could only see yourself like me?
Please be disappointed in me
Isnt it obvious I wasnt who you think?
And it would be
So much easier to love you if you could only see yourself like me
And wouldnt it hurt much less when you were lonely
If you could only see yourself like me?"
"i often find myself in a situation where i prioritize short term happiness rather than long term satisfaction"
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What is my purpose in life? What do I want to do in my future? Is there a clear defined path I should choose for myself?
Deep down, I have the urge to go, just anywhere. Anywhere but here.
How am I only 21 and feel so lost? I wanna quit school, but I want to study music. I want to visit new places, but I am terrified
of leaving my room. I want to keep my friends close, but I want to be on my own.
I'm trying to not make a permanent decision for short term happiness, but I want to be me. I want to be pushed out my comfort zone. I want to
discover. I don't know how to take that next step.
Recently I got a job, and I am going to save my money, and go on a trip. I'll go somewhere far, maybe with a couple friends, and it will give me
time to really consider and weigh my options.
Also, I finally deleted my social media accounts, so all I have now is this website, my discord for friends, and youtube. :p
Also, Happy New Year!
Heyhey, i'm back again on my computer, decided to use some of my energy on some site work as per usual.
The holidays are coming to a close, as is the year, but this isn't a year-reflection blog post, this is more of just me talking to VS code because I don't want to talk to people, lol.
read more (it's a lot!)
So, to start, the title of this post is actually the name of a song (yes its vocarock). Ill link it below here if you wanna check it out, it's been helping me
through these rough weeks.
Holidays are stressful, and family can be... family. Y'know how that goes, so I don't really gotta explain why I'm so uncomfortable that topic lol, but I have been pushing through nonetheless.
The stress and anxiety that has been increasingly getting worse, has been getting better. Took a couple days off my computer, went outside, took care of myself best I could, and talked with those
that didn't really make me overthink too much. Definitley the right call.
In lighter news, I got some new headphones for christmas! The nice Sony XM5's, now I can fall asleep to mommy asmr without getting strangled by earbud wires or losing an airpod! On a serious note,
good lord I hate airpods so much, lol. They always fall out of my ears after like 20 mins of use, always gotta adjust them.
I have also been practicing sewing/patching small holes in some clothing, and I've been getting better at it! It's nice to see progress in something new!
I also recently cancelled my Spotify subsription, I've known the company was bad, but I finally decided my values and morals outweigh convience. I'll stick to
using my ipod and supporting artists. I will probably be following suit with a handful of other things, I'm done supporting companies
that simply don't give a damn for people, which, surpise surprise! Is most of them, lol.
Anyway, the most important thing I would like to say here, since this is kind of a "diary" of mine, (which i put out on the internet for anyone to read, reeeaal classy kaia) I wanna
tell my parents soon about the whole... trans
thing. I have a hunch that one of my parents knows, and each time I am called a "son" it feels more and more deliberate, so for the sake of
my mental health, and recent events, I think it is important that I draw that line soon, or make them aware of it at the very least. The distress that shit puts
me in is definitely NOT needed. I want to have control over my life and not feel like I am in a prison of my own making. So as stated in the title of this post:
though I fear, I still walk
also if I get called a boy one more fucking time in public im cutting bangs.
Heyhey. It has been a rough couple of weeks!
Unfortunately I don't think it's gonna stop for a bit, but I'm gonna ramble anyway.
read more (mental health)
These past couple of weeks have been complete and utter hell. It started a couple weeks prior with a panic attack at night for literally like
no reason, all the way to now cancelling d&d last minute because anxiety and stress were literally putting me in a cold sweat. I stared at the
unmute button like it was holding a gun to my head.
I don't know what could possibly causing this, like I have been in a pretty big slog because of some really bad dysphoria as of recent, but
this feel past that at this point? I shouldn't be feeling like this at all, and that alone is making me even more stressed.
I feel like I can't make a promise to myself, or to anyone? Like what I said in my last post, expectations scare me. Why did I put so many on
myself?
I think I'll just take a moment away from socializing for a bit to kinda just disconnect myself from it all. It feels like its really not good on my head.
Anyway, heres a quote from Asriel.
"It can't have been...
Everything, everyone I loved can't keep getting further away.
We can't go any further than this.
Please.
I don't want to keep growing up.
...
Not without you."
Haia! Guess who has some stuff to talk about! (me)
You've had your warning! read more
I have talked about love in a handful of different places on my site and I don't think I'll ever stop. While I don't think I can ever truly love
one person, I think I will always love all my friends and family, holding them near and dear to my heart.
More on that though, because when I say I don't think I can ever truly love one person, I mean like.. romantically?? I think.
See, my preferences and sexuality have been all over the place for a very, very long time, and I have gone through a lot of different
phases, labels, whatever, and in regards to love I have kinda figured out that, for me, I find it super unlikely that I would be romantically
interested in. I am too selfish in regards that I would want to spend my time on me before anyone
else, and think it is a waste to be spent on another person, but at the same time I also really love giving my time to friends and family,
making things for them, so its confusing as hell. (see the issue here!?!)
I can't really find a better way to say this, but I can't be asked to try and love someone romantically,
and that isn't because of my unwillingness to love, but more so that idea that it's almost like a responsibility(?) that makes it difficult. I don't like having
expectations set on me because then the responsibility that would follow may not always entail to something that I would be comfortable with. It could be
argued that the responsibility and expectations are what make it love, but in my eyes, it makes the whole idea feel backwards. As such, and ideal relationship in my
eyes would be "you do your thing and I do mine", but unfortunately that doesnt work long term for a lot of people. Which is why the idea of being aromantic is
comfortable to me.
While I don't think I will always be aromantic, I do think that it works for me, 9 times out of 10. That other 1 time is enough for me to float around.
That's just my rambling for now, though I have one other note I just kinda wanna write down.
I have a fear that I expressed in the past in one of these posts, and it's the fear of being forgotten by those you've once loved. It's important that
you try your best with those you care about. Leave a lasting impression on them and inspire them. Material things only go so far, so the need to express yourself
to them in ways that they will remember will always be present.
Make the most of it while you can because you can never really get time back.
I love my friends!
#personal#love#lgbtq+#do people even look at these tags#only some of them are functional
@kaiasei
December here! Keepin busy?
Hey hey, hi! It's been a while, hasn't it?
Things have been going well for me, and I've been enjoying myself a lot recently! Hanging out with friends, cooler weather, baking pies, all so much fun!
I've had to deal with some iffy stuff, and I have been pretty stressed the past week-ish(?), but it's nothing I cant push through if I've learned anything from the past.
So I push on through! I wish I had more to talk about but, I really can't think of anything at the moment, aside from that December is like, a third over!? All the good
months fly on by, makes me a little sad!
Anywho, thats all for now, I'll attach a photo of my cinnamon-butterscotch pie that I made for my friends when they came over!
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its made completely from scratch! the dough AND the filling, super super yummy!
Hi, here's a youtuber I think you should check out. Their name is a_lilian
The videos on their channel continue to make me cry, and realize and think about things that I usually don't. They make me care more about things
I usually don't.
I hope that is enough to explain it, but I don't think it is.
Please check these two out at the very least.
read more...
Hey hey! It's a day before Halloween, and I'm gonna carve a pumpkin! I was thinking just a small one, make a cute little cat face on it as well.
I'll actually update this blog post with a photo of my carved pumpkin once it's done!
On another note, I hope that, if you're reading this, your month has been going pretty well :) I love fall so much and only wish for joy amongst everyone right now, so
be yourself, be cool, express yourself, enjoy life, and most importantly love yourself!
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Okay while my I helped my friend Brandon setup a new PC I gave to him, I noticed he had a black Nintendo 3DS on his desk.
For refrence, my 3DS is also black, and has no backplate. (I lost it like over 10 years ago, 12 to be exact I think)
Anyway, I asked him if I could just have his backplate from is old black 3DS, since he has a 3DS XL that he used if he ever wanted to play on a 3DS...
AND HE SAID YEA!
So I promptly gota small screwdriver, and yoinked that 3DS backplate, and finally, after 12 whole years, my 3DS is whole once again, and comfortable to play without my battery
risking falling out being held by decade old electrical tape.
I love this month so much! It is starting to get colder too :D
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Soooo its been going very well, uni has been really easy right now so thats been good. Not much has been happening
but I have been enjoying myself by playing Animal Crossing on my 3DS, and I love it so much, always such a cozy game.
Also, as I'm writing this I am actively fighting a dragon in dnd LOL.
I don't really have much to talk about unfortunately here, but I will be posting more updates too :3
No site updates as of right now, I have stuff that I wanna do and complete, but just no motivation to do any of it. Will try to do stuff in a week,
school has just been beating me up these past couple of days.
#personal#tired#sleepy#other synonyms for tired/sleepy
@kaiasei
October, Homestuck, and Music Nonsesne
October is here! I've been reading through Homestuck (finally), and I need to continue making music because I don't like how my stuff sounds :p
read more... (this is a lot of text!)
Pumpkin month! Isn't it beautiful! I mean, thats all I really have to say about that, I just really like October. It's also my friend Luca's birthday in like 4 days, I wish he
lived closer so I could give him a gift!!!!! Met him at a punk show and he's pretty chill. It's also like, my moms birthday in October,
and my grandfathers, and my brother's girlfriend's. I'll tell you thats not as bad as August. Oh. My. God. Too many birthday in August, it's
almost like everyone was getting concieved in the winter time because they have nothing better to do...
Started reading homestuck, again. I only really read up to like Act I years ago in like 2017(?), its been a while, but it's been lingering in the back
of my head for a while so I thought I would start continuing to read it once again. Homestuck is such a weird thing to explain, but definitely give it a shot
if you're slightly interested. It's a web comic, and you can read it here!
Now, about my music (i know right, run while you can!). Whenever I make stuff I can hear every little thing I don't and sometimes I don't know how to
make it sound the way I want, or I just cant. It's so frustrating. Like a lot of the songs I'm proud of still have things that I dont like,
and I just cant seem to get comfortable with the idea of that. If I spent hours upon hours trying to fix those little things, I don't think I'd ever
get any songs done either. Just a whole mess of a situation!
Had to mash away at the keyboard and get that out there because like, it's been bumming me out these past couple days, y'know?. Helps to write these
things out to clear my head, that's why this site started to exist in the first place! (kinda)
Anyway, below this you can listen to a track I've been working on for my d&d campaign actually! It's gonna be the first "dungeon" the party will set foot
into, called "The Grand Cathedral of Flame". If one of my players is here, get out! You shouldn't be reading the posts marked for d&d... but the song itself
I kinda like, and it includes a melody that will probably have some importance later on, I really wanna try to make every important area have a special song
that I actually made, which would carry some weight behind it, we will see though. That is a lot of work, and I am already DM'ing for five people, soon-to-be
six.
Okay WOW that was a lot of text. MY BAD! Enjoy the music by me, it's supposed to be cathedral-y/church-y because of the setting of my campaign. (It picks up at 1:00 & 5:04 ish!).
Reminder, it's a WIP.
Been cleaning all day and I finally finished! ready to rot on my computer.
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Hi! As I write this, I'm trying a kiwi for the first time, not that bad.
Y'know.. I acutally don't know what to write in this blog post. I just knew that I wanted to write one. Oh! This week I had an
exam for my class, so I walked in 30 minutes early, did it before like before half the class showed up, and then turned it in and
walked right on out. I totally aced it. (trust me)
Been playing a lot of minecraft too, that has been pretty fun. OH but I need to finish prepping tonights d&d session, I only have like half of it planned
because last time they didn't get through everything. So I should probably get to that. Been so busy worldbuilding recently because I realized I
should do some more of that than I originally did.
Anyway! Im gonna finish the kiwi and do some stuffs on my computer, but my day has been very good. Stay safe out there!
#personal#d&d#life#happy#kiwi#i wonder how many hashtags i can put in this thing#i will test that another day
@kaiasei
September's End
September is coming to a close soon, and I feel meh about it.
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I really enjoy these later fall and winter months, but this month just went by a little too fast.
Maybe that isn't such a bad thing though, I'm not sure.
Creatively, I have been flourishing. Making music more than ever, and hosting the D&D campaign for my friends has been a
much needed creative workout for my brain. I feel like I've had more purpose than I ever have right now. A really nice contrast to the
torturous summer that I had to mentally endure.
Uni classes have been okay, I'm not taking any music-specific classes this semester which kinda gets rid of my motivation for school itself,
but I'm pushing through. Just math and other garbage I'm not too fond of.
I don't want to end this post on such a sad note, but recently I have been missing one of my friends who has passed away, a little over a year ago now.
Things still don't feel the same, and it hurts, y'know? I'm scared that I will forget about all those memories, I'm scared that he will just fade away to
the sands of time, I'm scared that the friends we shared will forget too. Life moves fast, and I still don't feel like I appreciate it enough.
Oh baby, oh boy, it's D&D night! That means... I get to harass my players. Some of the stuff that I have prepared for this session is awesome, they're
gonna meet one of the funny "villains" whose name is ███████ (redacted in CASE my friends see this, sorry!). But ███████
is like a being, a vessel, that appears as the inverse of the sky behind it, and it's figure mimics that who is viewing them, for every person looking at them.
The plans I have for ███████ later is gonna be so so so fun.
Everyone is a puppet!
#d&d#evil#help me this is my first time DMing and these idiots keep getting into combat
@kaiasei
September!
The months are finally ending in '-ber' which means it is time to play Stardew Valley! (and more minecraft!)
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This time I installed a couple mods on Stardew, one of them being
Stardew Valley Expanded :o So excited to start playing it, plus I haven't played Stardew in a while, and it's always fun.
Also, I think I'm going to migrate a modded minecraft world I've been playing on to a server so that my friends and I can join whenever. Who knows, maybe I'll put the
ip somewhere here on the site so people can join :^)
The modpack is TerraFirmaGreg, so it's a little on the harder side, but it is really fun.
I have been obsessed with this album "Theory" by 164 recently! Check it out here on youtube,
or here if you use spotify!
The whole album is vocaloid rock, and the best song on there has to be Amanojaku (track 4), it's just so so so good.
I first heard the song when I was playing SDVX, and then I checked out the whole album- and to nobodys surprise, the whole thing is peak.
This is the first entry in this thing, but this is where i'll be putting the more personal/obsessive stuff in instead of the updates section for the sake of organization!
#introduction#what am i doing
