"i often find myself in a situation where i prioritize short term happiness rather than long term satisfaction"
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What is my purpose in life? What do I want to do in my future? Is there a clear defined path I should choose for myself?
Deep down, I have the urge to go, just anywhere. Anywhere but here.
How am I only 21 and feel so lost? I wanna quit school, but I want to study music. I want to visit new places, but I am terrified
of leaving my room. I want to keep my friends close, but I want to be on my own.
I'm trying to not make a permanent decision for short term happiness, but I want to be me. I want to be pushed out my comfort zone. I want to
discover. I don't know how to take that next step.
Recently I got a job, and I am going to save my money, and go on a trip. I'll go somewhere far, maybe with a couple friends, and it will give me
time to really consider and weigh my options.
Heyhey, i'm back again on my computer, decided to use some of my energy on some site work as per usual.
The holidays are coming to a close, as is the year, but this isn't a year-reflection blog post, this is more of just me talking to VS code because I don't want to talk to people, lol.
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So, to start, the title of this post is actually the name of a song (yes its vocarock). Ill link it below here if you wanna check it out, it's been helping me
through these rough weeks.
Holidays are stressful, and family can be... family. Y'know how that goes, so I don't really gotta explain why I'm so uncomfortable that topic lol, but I have been pushing through nonetheless.
The stress and anxiety that has been increasingly getting worse, has been getting better. Took a couple days off my computer, went outside, took care of myself best I could, and talked with those
that didn't really make me overthink too much. Definetley the right call.
In lighter news, I got some new headphones for christmas! The nice Sony XM5's, now I can fall asleep to mommy asmr without getting strangled by earbud wires or losing an airpod! On a serious note,
good lord I hate airpods so much, lol. They always fall out of my ears after like 20 mins of use, always gotta adjust them.
I have also been practicing sewing/patching small holes in some clothing, and I've been getting better at it! It's nice to see progress in something new!
I also recently cancelled my Spotify subsription, I've known the company was bad, but I finally decided my values and morals outweigh convience. I'll stick to
using my ipod and supporting artists. I will probably be following suit with a handful of other things, I'm done supporting companies
that simply don't give a damn for people, which, surpise surprise! Is most of them, lol.
Anyway, the most important thing I would like to say here, since this is kind of a "diary" of mine, (which i put out on the internet for anyone to read, reeeaal classy kaia) I wanna
tell my parents soon about the whole... trans
thing. I have a hunch that one of my parents knows, and each time I am called a "son" it feels more and more deliberate, so for the sake of
my mental health, and recent events, I think it is important that I draw that line soon, or make them aware of it at the very least. The distress that shit puts
me in is definitely NOT needed. I want to have control over my life and not feel like I am in a prison of my own making. So as stated in the title of this post:
though I fear, I still walk
also if I get called a boy one more fucking time in public im cutting bangs.
Heyhey. It has been a rough couple of weeks!
Unfortunately I don't think it's gonna stop for a bit, but I'm gonna ramble anyway.
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These past couple of weeks have been complete and utter hell. It started a couple weeks prior with a panic attack at night for literally like
no reason, all the way to now cancelling d&d last minute because anxiety and stress were literally putting me in a cold sweat. I stared at the
unmute button like it was holding a gun to my head.
I don't know what could possibly causing this, like I have been in a pretty big slog because of some really bad dysphoria as of recent, but
this feel past that at this point? I shouldn't be feeling like this at all, and that alone is making me even more stressed.
I feel like I can't make a promise to myself, or to anyone? Like what I said in my last post, expectations scare me. Why did I put so many on
myself?
I think I'll just take a moment away from socializing for a bit to kinda just disconnect myself from it all. It feels like its really not good on my head.
Anyway, heres a quote from Asriel.
"It can't have been...
Everything, everyone I loved can't keep getting further away.
We can't go any further than this.
Please.
I don't want to keep growing up.
...
Not without you."
Haia! Guess who has some stuff to talk about! (me)
You've had your warning! read more
I have talked about love in a handful of different places on my site and I don't think I'll ever stop. While I don't think I can ever truly love
one person, I think I will always love all my friends and family, holding them near and dear to my heart.
More on that though, because when I say I don't think I can ever truly love one person, I mean like.. romantically?? I think.
See, my preferences and sexuality have been all over the place for a very, very long time, and I have gone through a lot of different
phases, labels, whatever, and in regards to love I have kinda figured out that, for me, I find it super unlikely that I would be romantically
interested in. I am too selfish in regards that I would want to spend my time on me before anyone
else, and think it is a waste to be spent on another person, but at the same time I also really love giving my time to friends and family,
making things for them, so its confusing as hell. (see the issue here!?!)
I can't really find a better way to say this, but I can't be asked to try and love someone romantically,
and that isn't because of my unwillingness to love, but more so that idea that it's almost like a responsibility(?) that makes it difficult. I don't like having
expectations set on me because then the responsibility that would follow may not always entail to something that I would be comfortable with. It could be
argued that the responsibility and expectations are what make it love, but in my eyes, it makes the whole idea feel backwards. As such, and ideal relationship in my
eyes would be "you do your thing and I do mine", but unfortunately that doesnt work long term for a lot of people. Which is why the idea of being aromantic is
comfortable to me.
While I don't think I will always be aromantic, I do think that it works for me, 9 times out of 10. That other 1 time is enough for me to float around.
That's just my rambling for now, though I have one other note I just kinda wanna write down.
I have a fear that I expressed in the past in one of these posts, and it's the fear of being forgotten by those you've once loved. It's important that
you try your best with those you care about. Leave a lasting impression on them and inspire them. Material things only go so far, so the need to express yourself
to them in ways that they will remember will always be present.
Make the most of it while you can because you can never really get time back.
I love my friends!
#personal#love#lgbtq+#do people even look at these tags#only some of them are functional
@kaiasei
December here! Keepin busy?
Hey hey, hi! It's been a while, hasn't it?
Things have been going well for me, and I've been enjoying myself a lot recently! Hanging out with friends, cooler weather, baking pies, all so much fun!
I've had to deal with some iffy stuff, and I have been pretty stressed the past week-ish(?), but it's nothing I cant push through if I've learned anything from the past.
So I push on through! I wish I had more to talk about but, I really can't think of anything at the moment, aside from that December is like, a third over!? All the good
months fly on by, makes me a little sad!
Anywho, thats all for now, I'll attach a photo of my cinnamon-butterscotch pie that I made for my friends when they came over!
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its made completely from scratch! the dough AND the filling, super super yummy!
Hi, here's a youtuber I think you should check out. Their name is a_lilian
The videos on their channel continue to make me cry, and realize and think about things that I usually don't. They make me care more about things
I usually don't.
I hope that is enough to explain it, but I don't think it is.
Please check these two out at the very least.
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Hey hey! It's a day before Halloween, and I'm gonna carve a pumpkin! I was thinking just a small one, make a cute little cat face on it as well.
I'll actually update this blog post with a photo of my carved pumpkin once it's done!
On another note, I hope that, if you're reading this, your month has been going pretty well :) I love fall so much and only wish for joy amongst everyone right now, so
be yourself, be cool, express yourself, enjoy life, and most importantly love yourself!
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Okay while my I helped my friend Brandon setup a new PC I gave to him, I noticed he had a black Nintendo 3DS on his desk.
For refrence, my 3DS is also black, and has no backplate. (I lost it like over 10 years ago, 12 to be exact I think)
Anyway, I asked him if I could just have his backplate from is old black 3DS, since he has a 3DS XL that he used if he ever wanted to play on a 3DS...
AND HE SAID YEA!
So I promptly gota small screwdriver, and yoinked that 3DS backplate, and finally, after 12 whole years, my 3DS is whole once again, and comfortable to play without my battery
risking falling out being held by decade old electrical tape.
I love this month so much! It is starting to get colder too :D
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Soooo its been going very well, uni has been really easy right now so thats been good. Not much has been happening
but I have been enjoying myself by playing Animal Crossing on my 3DS, and I love it so much, always such a cozy game.
Also, as I'm writing this I am actively fighting a dragon in dnd LOL.
I don't really have much to talk about unfortunately here, but I will be posting more updates too :3
No site updates as of right now, I have stuff that I wanna do and complete, but just no motivation to do any of it. Will try to do stuff in a week,
school has just been beating me up these past couple of days.
#personal#tired#sleepy#other synonyms for tired/sleepy
@kaiasei
October, Homestuck, and Music Nonsesne
October is here! I've been reading through Homestuck (finally), and I need to continue making music because I don't like how my stuff sounds :p
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Pumpkin month! Isn't it beautiful! I mean, thats all I really have to say about that, I just really like October. It's also my friend Luca's birthday in like 4 days, I wish he
lived closer so I could give him a gift!!!!! Met him at a punk show and he's pretty chill. It's also like, my moms birthday in October,
and my grandfathers, and my brother's girlfriend's. I'll tell you thats not as bad as August. Oh. My. God. Too many birthday in August, it's
almost like everyone was getting concieved in the winter time because they have nothing better to do...
Started reading homestuck, again. I only really read up to like Act I years ago in like 2017(?), its been a while, but it's been lingering in the back
of my head for a while so I thought I would start continuing to read it once again. Homestuck is such a weird thing to explain, but definitely give it a shot
if you're slightly interested. It's a web comic, and you can read it here!
Now, about my music (i know right, run while you can!). Whenever I make stuff I can hear every little thing I don't and sometimes I don't know how to
make it sound the way I want, or I just cant. It's so frustrating. Like a lot of the songs I'm proud of still have things that I dont like,
and I just cant seem to get comfortable with the idea of that. If I spent hours upon hours trying to fix those little things, I don't think I'd ever
get any songs done either. Just a whole mess of a situation!
Had to mash away at the keyboard and get that out there because like, it's been bumming me out these past couple days, y'know?. Helps to write these
things out to clear my head, that's why this site started to exist in the first place! (kinda)
Anyway, below this you can listen to a track I've been working on for my d&d campaign actually! It's gonna be the first "dungeon" the party will set foot
into, called "The Grand Cathedral of Flame". If one of my players is here, get out! You shouldn't be reading the posts marked for d&d... but the song itself
I kinda like, and it includes a melody that will probably have some importance later on, I really wanna try to make every important area have a special song
that I actually made, which would carry some weight behind it, we will see though. That is a lot of work, and I am already DM'ing for five people, soon-to-be
six.
Okay WOW that was a lot of text. MY BAD! Enjoy the music by me, it's supposed to be cathedral-y/church-y because of the setting of my campaign. (It picks up at 1:00 & 5:04 ish!).
Reminder, it's a WIP.
Been cleaning all day and I finally finished! ready to rot on my computer.
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Hi! As I write this, I'm trying a kiwi for the first time, not that bad.
Y'know.. I acutally don't know what to write in this blog post. I just knew that I wanted to write one. Oh! This week I had an
exam for my class, so I walked in 30 minutes early, did it before like before half the class showed up, and then turned it in and
walked right on out. I totally aced it. (trust me)
Been playing a lot of minecraft too, that has been pretty fun. OH but I need to finish prepping tonights d&d session, I only have like half of it planned
because last time they didn't get through everything. So I should probably get to that. Been so busy worldbuilding recently because I realized I
should do some more of that than I originally did.
Anyway! Im gonna finish the kiwi and do some stuffs on my computer, but my day has been very good. Stay safe out there!
#personal#d&d#life#happy#kiwi#i wonder how many hashtags i can put in this thing#i will test that another day
@kaiasei
September's End
September is coming to a close soon, and I feel meh about it.
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I really enjoy these later fall and winter months, but this month just went by a little too fast.
Maybe that isn't such a bad thing though, I'm not sure.
Creatively, I have been flourishing. Making music more than ever, and hosting the D&D campaign for my friends has been a
much needed creative workout for my brain. I feel like I've had more purpose than I ever have right now. A really nice contrast to the
torturous summer that I had to mentally endure.
Uni classes have been okay, I'm not taking any music-specific classes this semester which kinda gets rid of my motivation for school itself,
but I'm pushing through. Just math and other garbage I'm not too fond of.
I don't want to end this post on such a sad note, but recently I have been missing one of my friends who has passed away, a little over a year ago now.
Things still don't feel the same, and it hurts, y'know? I'm scared that I will forget about all those memories, I'm scared that he will just fade away to
the sands of time, I'm scared that the friends we shared will forget too. Life moves fast, and I still don't feel like I appreciate it enough.
Oh baby, oh boy, it's D&D night! That means... I get to harass my players. Some of the stuff that I have prepared for this session is awesome, they're
gonna meet one of the funny "villains" whose name is ███████ (redacted in CASE my friends see this, sorry!). But ███████
is like a being, a vessel, that appears as the inverse of the sky behind it, and it's figure mimics that who is viewing them, for every person looking at them.
The plans I have for ███████ later is gonna be so so so fun.
Everyone is a puppet!
#d&d#evil#help me this is my first time DMing and these idiots keep getting into combat
@kaiasei
September!
The months are finally ending in '-ber' which means it is time to play Stardew Valley! (and more minecraft!)
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This time I installed a couple mods on Stardew, one of them being
Stardew Valley Expanded :o So excited to start playing it, plus I haven't played Stardew in a while, and it's always fun.
Also, I think I'm going to migrate a modded minecraft world I've been playing on to a server so that my friends and I can join whenever. Who knows, maybe I'll put the
ip somewhere here on the site so people can join :^)
The modpack is TerraFirmaGreg, so it's a little on the harder side, but it is really fun.
I have been obsessed with this album "Theory" by 164 recently! Check it out here on youtube,
or here if you use spotify!
The whole album is vocaloid rock, and the best song on there has to be Amanojaku (track 4), it's just so so so good.
I first heard the song when I was playing SDVX, and then I checked out the whole album- and to nobodys surprise, the whole thing is peak.
This is the first entry in this thing, but this is where i'll be putting the more personal/obsessive stuff in instead of the updates section for the sake of organization!
#introduction#what am i doing
